Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Lately I seem to be full of all kinds of emotions. I haven't been feeling well, and I'm sure that is a big part of these full range of thoughts and feelings. When I'm in a flare I tend to feel helpless, lonely, and depressed. One would think that after spending sixteen years with a chronic illness I would not have these feelings anymore. But they are there. Thoughts creep in like: Who will take care of me if I can't even take care of myself? Who will help me with my children? Will my husband run out of patience or be cold and distant? I know I need to bring ever thought captive to Christ. How do you do that when you feel like your brain is mush?

I was in the car with my husband and children the other day. I just needed to get out of the house. I was looking and absorbing the beautiful scenery. I cracked open the window and let the breeze sweep over me. I starting talking to God. It went something like this: "God I feel like I'm in a deep, dark place right now. I can't even muster up enough energy or clear thinking to pray. Please take me as I am. Infuse me with your joy and peace. Right now I don't have any. Hold me and transform me through my circumstances."

Do any of you feel like you are in a deep, dark place? My prayer for you is to grab onto Jesus and let him carry you through. Don't worry about not being able to pray. Let Him be your strength. Let him be your comfort. Remember he accepts you just as you are!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Feeling Discouraged

I have not been feeling very well the past week or two. I've just felt completely drained and weak. It takes extra effort for me not to be irritable and cranky, especially with those closest to me. My head feels like it's stuffed with marshmallows. That's how I describe "brain fog". I just don't seem to be getting that deep sleep that we all so desperately need. It probably isn't helping that my son has been having trouble sleeping.

My doctor thought I may have ADHD. I have always thought that I may have this problem. I can remember having issues with concentrating and organization as a child also. There
have been a few articles that I have come across linking fibromyalgia and ADHD. My doctor thought it was worth a try to try me on Ritalin to see if it would help my energy and concentration. I was so hoping it would. It didn't seem to do anything. But I'm wondering if your not getting good sleep, would any medicine help? Every time I hear about a drug possibly helping, I try it and it doesn't seem to help. It's hard for me to fight thoughts that maybe it is all in my head!

My husband and the kids just took off for the plant nursery and lunch. I wanted so much to go. I did not want to be home alone. It's so hard for me to give in and just accept that I need to rest and may not be able to do much. I want to be productive but my brain just won't cooperate! I start to get down on myself for complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I know so many others have it much worse. God, please help me to be thankful for the many things I do have. Please help me to see beyond my circumstances. Give me your strength. Amen.