Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Lately I seem to be full of all kinds of emotions. I haven't been feeling well, and I'm sure that is a big part of these full range of thoughts and feelings. When I'm in a flare I tend to feel helpless, lonely, and depressed. One would think that after spending sixteen years with a chronic illness I would not have these feelings anymore. But they are there. Thoughts creep in like: Who will take care of me if I can't even take care of myself? Who will help me with my children? Will my husband run out of patience or be cold and distant? I know I need to bring ever thought captive to Christ. How do you do that when you feel like your brain is mush?

I was in the car with my husband and children the other day. I just needed to get out of the house. I was looking and absorbing the beautiful scenery. I cracked open the window and let the breeze sweep over me. I starting talking to God. It went something like this: "God I feel like I'm in a deep, dark place right now. I can't even muster up enough energy or clear thinking to pray. Please take me as I am. Infuse me with your joy and peace. Right now I don't have any. Hold me and transform me through my circumstances."

Do any of you feel like you are in a deep, dark place? My prayer for you is to grab onto Jesus and let him carry you through. Don't worry about not being able to pray. Let Him be your strength. Let him be your comfort. Remember he accepts you just as you are!!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Feeling Discouraged

I have not been feeling very well the past week or two. I've just felt completely drained and weak. It takes extra effort for me not to be irritable and cranky, especially with those closest to me. My head feels like it's stuffed with marshmallows. That's how I describe "brain fog". I just don't seem to be getting that deep sleep that we all so desperately need. It probably isn't helping that my son has been having trouble sleeping.

My doctor thought I may have ADHD. I have always thought that I may have this problem. I can remember having issues with concentrating and organization as a child also. There
have been a few articles that I have come across linking fibromyalgia and ADHD. My doctor thought it was worth a try to try me on Ritalin to see if it would help my energy and concentration. I was so hoping it would. It didn't seem to do anything. But I'm wondering if your not getting good sleep, would any medicine help? Every time I hear about a drug possibly helping, I try it and it doesn't seem to help. It's hard for me to fight thoughts that maybe it is all in my head!

My husband and the kids just took off for the plant nursery and lunch. I wanted so much to go. I did not want to be home alone. It's so hard for me to give in and just accept that I need to rest and may not be able to do much. I want to be productive but my brain just won't cooperate! I start to get down on myself for complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I know so many others have it much worse. God, please help me to be thankful for the many things I do have. Please help me to see beyond my circumstances. Give me your strength. Amen.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Summer Days

How has everyone's summer been going so far? Well I hope. Does the heat and humidity bother anyone else. I just feel like I'm dragging when I'm out in the heat. We were out of town this past weekend for my nephew's graduation party. I slept on a very hard mattress. My neck, back and shoulders are extremely tight. I also haven't been sleeping well. I'm not sure why. I treated myself to a massage with some birthday money I received. It's so expensive, but it always makes me feel a little bit better. My insurance will only pay for massage if it's an acute condition. I have been in a flare for about five days. When I'm in the middle of one I feel like it will never end. I have to make it a point to remind my self that "this too shall pass" I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and rearrange my priorities and to do list. All of a sudden certain things don't seem as important.

My son started basketball camp this week, so that has helped keep him occupied and allowed me to rest a little. My daughter is now a teenager as of this month. I can't believe it. She is pretty self reliable. I wish I could do more for them. I'm sure all mothers feel this way at times. I have to remind myself as long as I give them what I'm able ,while taking care of their mother at the same time, will be enough. God will make up for the rest.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Have You ever felt just Plain Agitated By Life In General?

Tomorrow is my kids last day of school. My last day at work (I'm a preschool teacher) was two weeks ago. I was looking forward to lazy, warm days with no agenda and no troubles. Who am I kidding? Why would I think life would be perfect just because it's warm outside and I'm not working?

I have a few things I'm trying to take care of and they are not working out as smoothly as I planned. Nothing earth shattering. Just day to day living. My son fell and hurt himself last week playing basketball at school. He was diagnosed with a mild concussion. He started vomiting later on that night so I took him to the ER. They did a cat scan. Everything looked o.k concussion wise, but they found something they weren't expecting to find. It's called an arachnoid cyst. Most likely he was born with it. He has never had any symptoms. If he continues to have no symptoms nothing will be done. If he does develop symptoms they'll have to drain it. He has to have an MRI done and an appointment with a neurosurgeon. I am about ready to pull my hair out just trying to schedule the MRI. He has to have sedation because I can't see him sitting perfectly still for forty- five minutes. It's hard to get one of these appointments and the test is conflicting with summer camp. I am trying to reschedule without having to wait too long. I'm sure part of my aggravation is nerves. I don't want to admit that. I'm hoping and praying he will never have symptoms. I am reminding myself that this is not terminal. God is in charge, not me. He will take me where I need to go.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Easter blessings

I went back home for Easter and visited my dad, sister, and stepmother. My dad is getting ready to retire and move into a much smaller home. They are trying to downsize as much as they can. They had a basement full of stuff that did not sell at the garage sale. I had great fun looking through the things they collected through the years. I even found some treasures to call my own. I think it's great fun turning someone else's cast offs into something new and useful or beautiful. My husband was quite thrilled that I came home with a van full of "new" stuff! My dad also gave me some old photos to go through and keep. Some of them were of me and my sister as children, my grandma as a little girl, my great grandparents, etc. I enjoyed sharing our heritage with my kids. Our last morning there my dad made them a breakfast called "Fit For A King" The kids had fun trying to guess what it was. My dad said his mom use to make it for him. it was a cinnamon dish constructed like a log cabin.

My ten year old son got to spend lots of quality one on one time with his grandpa playing basketball, throwing the football around, and reading stories that he had written. My daughter spent time with him too and also took great delight in playing with their cat. She said that she liked the fact that he had "attitude"! I had a surprise when I got home. My husband had stayed home for part of the weekend and painted the living room. I had picked out the paint awhile ago but we never got around to painting. It's a beautiful golden color. I love it! I'm so glad i got to relax with my family. It was just what I needed!